Big 12 rankings, Week 3: The “Office Space” edition

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Texas moved a step closer to a Big 12 title, hammering Oklahoma State on the road and picking up yet another double-digit win at home Saturday against Missouri. The Week Three Big 12 rankings are brought to you by “Office Space” (plus-one for a road win, minus one for a home loss):

1. TEXAS (18-3, 6-0, +3): It’s not that Longhorns are winning … it’s that they’re dominating good teams. If it wins Monday at Texas A&M, Texas may run away with the Big 12 championship. Right now, the Longhorns are “the Bobs” of the conference (Losing? I wouldn’t say Texas has been missin’ it) …

2. KANSAS (20-1, 5-1, +2): Maybe the heartbreaking ordeal Thomas Robinson and his sister are dealing with brought this team together. Or maybe they just beat two teams (Colorado and Kansas State) that are in free-fall mode. Bill Self reminds me a little of this guy …

3. TEXAS A&M (17-3, 4-2, +1): The Aggies are pretty good at home (and they’ll need to be Monday against Texas), but the road is a different story. As for those folks who had A&M in the Big 12 title chase … let’s not jump to conclusions …

4. MISSOURI (17-4, 3-3, Even):  Missouri might as well be Texas A&M. Dominant at home, not so much on the road. The Tigers might be in trouble if Laurence Bowers is out for an extended period after taking a wicked elbow to the face against Texas. As for the Tigers’ title hopes? …

5. BAYLOR (14-6, 4-3, Even): The Bears had to scrap to win at home against struggling Colorado. Now they’ve got back-to-back road games against Oklahoma and Texas A&M. If Baylor manages to win both, Scott Drew’s reaction …

6. NEBRASKA (15-5, 3-3, Even): Give Doc Sadler credit for taking a roster without a lot of talent and putting it on the NCAA bubble. Yet, Cornhusker fans are more concerned with signing day …

7. COLORADO (14-8, 3-4, Even): The Buffaloes looked like the surprise team in the league two weeks ago, now they’ve got …

8. OKLAHOMA (11-9, 3-3, Even): Have to admit, the Sooners have as many conference wins as I thought they’d get all season. That takes the cake …

9. OKLAHOMA STATE (14-7, 2-5, -1): This is a big week for the Cowboys, who get Missouri and Oklahoma at home – must-win games. Lately, watching OSU has been a little awkward, like this …

10. KANSAS STATE (14-8, 2-5, -1): The Wildcats’ season is officially on life support after Saturday’s beating at rival Kansas. Frank Martin and KSU fans are this mad …

11. TEXAS TECH (11-11, 3-4, -1): The way the Red Raiders are playing lately, there may not be any TPS reports on Pat Knight’s firing …

12. IOWA STATE (14-8, 1-6, -3): This team is bad, really bad. The Cyclones have been taking a beating lately …

Big 12 rankings, Week 2: One-hit wonders edition … http://tinyurl.com/4zwe4jl

Big 12 rankings, Week 1: “The Big Lebowski” edition … http://tinyurl.com/66dexn2



Big 12 rankings, Week 2: One-hit wonders edition

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Switching gears back to music for the second week of the Big 12 basketball rankings, which are brought to you by one-hit wonders from the 1980s and 1990s (plus-one for a road win, minus win for a home loss) …

1. TEXAS (16-3, 4-0, +2): The Longhorns looked bad in the first half, but the second half is as well as a visiting team has played at Allen Fieldhouse in years. Looming Saturday: A showdown at home with No. 11 Missouri. Right now, Texas is the Big 12 hot stepper (Nah, na na na nah, na na na nah, na na nah, na na nah, na na na nah) …

2. KANSAS (18-1, 3-1, +1): The Jayhawks hadn’t lost a game at home since the Washington presidency but fell apart in the second half against Texas. KU better be ready tonight against a dangerous Colorado team in Boulder. As for last week, “our house” wasn’t so daunting to the Horns …

3. TEXAS A&M (17-2, 4-1, even): The Aggies looked rather average at archrival Texas but bounced back at home against Kansas State. A tough game at Nebraska awaits the Aggies, whose vibe is good for now …

4. MISSOURI (17-3, 3-2, even): The Tigers have looked like a Mike Anderson team lately. Of course, both wins last week were at Mizzou Arena, a house of pain for many (One of the best lines of all time: “I’ll serve your ass like John McEnroe …”)

5. COLORADO (14-6, 3-2, +1): Welcome back to Earth, Buffaloes. Back-to-back road losses to Nebraska and Oklahoma. You got Kansas next. Time to take a stance …

6. BAYLOR (13-6, 3-3, even): I said in the preseason rankings that this team is missing something. Discipline for starters. Also, the Bears believe defense is simply an option. It’s scary how much this looks like one of Quin Snyder’s teams at Missouri. How bizarre ….

7. OKLAHOMA STATE (14-5, 2-3, even): If the Cowboys plan on dancing, winning Wednesday’s game at home against Texas is a must. Then again, with two players in the starting lineup under 5-foot tall, that probably isn’t going to happen …

Note: Yes, Skee-Lo gets another shout-out here. It won’t be his last.

8. NEBRASKA (14-5, 2-3, even): Yes, winning on the road in the Big 12 is tough, but Texas Tech? Really? The Cornhuskers’ center, 6-11, 315-pound (an awfully generous listing on the roster) Andre Almeida, should be playing football …

9. KANSAS STATE (14-7, 2-4, -1): The season has been a huge disappointment for the Wildcats, but the beauty of college basketball is they can get well in a hurry Saturday at Kansas. To pull it off, they’ll need to lean on Jacob Pullen …

10. IOWA STATE (14-6, 1-4, -1): Going into Saturday’s game at Missouri, the Cyclones had not been blown out. Welcome to the Zou, ISU, you got Devo-ed …

11. OKLAHOMA (10-9, 2-3, -1): The Sooners looked better last week, winning at home against Texas Tech and Colorado, but Jeff Capel probably can’t get away from this group fast enough …

12. TEXAS TECH (9-11, 1-4, -2): The Red Raiders found a way to upend Nebraska. They also get Oklahoma at home, which might be their last win …

Big 12 rankings, Week 1: “The Big Lebowski” edition … http://tinyurl.com/66dexn2

Big 12 scandals and controversies: The books that should be written

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The Big 12 as we know lasted just 16 seasons, but the conference had its share of scandals and controversies over the years. As the Big 12-2 winds down, here’s a look at 12 books that should be written …

KANSAS: “2+2=5: The Darrell Arthur story,” by Darrell “Shady” Arthur

Hey, there’s evidence the guy didn’t pass a math class in high school (his grade was allegedly changed from 45 percent to 70 percent) and shouldn’t have been eligible to play basketball at Kansas, which likely means the Jayhawks don’t win a national title in 2008.

Shady math? Eh, it was only 25 percentage points.

MISSOURI: “How to make Saltines shake,” by Ed and Amy Stewart, foreword by Rickey Clemons

Aside from Baylor’s disaster in the early 2000s, it doesn’t get much more embarrassing than the jailhouse tapes that helped derail Quin Snyder’s run at Missouri. A lot of people think Clemons was the one who said, “Them crackas be shakin’,” but it was actually Missouri assistant athletic director Ed Stewart who relayed that message to his wife Amy about Missouri’s crackas, I mean, athletic department officials.

Apparently you can get suckers, but not razors in Boone County jail.

NEBRASKA: “Anger management,” by Nebraska coach Bo Pelini. Odds Pelini delivers a Chuck Norris roundhouse to Taylor Martinez in 2011? 3:2

KANSAS STATE: “Big Purple Pimpin’,” by former K-State coach Ron Prince

Seriously, this guy got how much money for running the Wildcats into the ground? Not only did he get a buyout of more than $1 million when he was fired in 2009, but also up to $3.2 million more because of a secret agreement with former AD Bob Krause. The sides are in a legal battle over said money. Still, Prince is the Million Dollar Man …

IOWA STATE: “How Natty Light ruined by career,” by former Iowa State coach Larry Eustachy

This story is well-documented. How a Division I college basketball coach can go to a dorm, slam skunky beer, pose for photos and not expect it to show up on the Internet is the stuff of legend. Funny thing is, those photos of Eustachy drinking with co-eds at Mizzou were on tigerboard.com months before the scandal broke.

Why is a coach making $1 million a year drinking Natty Light?

COLORADO: “Tact,” by former football coach Gary Barnett

Remember these quotes about former female kicker Katie Hnida: “It was obvious Katie was not very good. She was awful. … Katie was not only a girl, she was terrible. OK?” Barnett was responding to a question about Hnida, cut several years earlier. Of course, it came on the heels of accusations by several, including Hnida, of sexual harassment and rape in Colorado’s program.

Anyone notice Colorado hasn't done a thing since it bounced Gary Barnett?

OKLAHOMA: “Picking the best cell phone plan for dummies,” by Kelvin Sampson

Sampson’s philosophy: “If you’re going to cheat, make it worthwhile.” He had a great run at Oklahoma, possibly aided by the 500-plus illegal phone calls to 17 recruits during his tenure, according to findings during an NCAA investigation. Sampson went to Indiana, changed his cell phone carrier and promptly made a plethora of illegal calls there, too.

"Nobody can track cell phone calls. Trust me."

OKLAHOMA STATE: “Keeping your cool in an interview,” by Dez Bryant

Remember that “Seinfeld” in which Kramer is coaching Miss Rhode Island? In preparation for the interview, Kramer asks her if she would sleep with the enemy to end a conflict ….. Bryant was merely asked my Miami GM Jeff Ireland if his mother was a prostitute.

TEXAS: “How to join a conference, then overthrow it,” by DeLoss Dodds

Texas is Walter Sobchak, and the rest of the Big 12 is Donny Kerabatsos.

TEXAS A&M: “Karma’s a bitch,” by Dennis Franchione

Remember when Franchione, a Kansas native, bolted from Alabama for Texas A&M without telling his team? That was 2002. Five mostly forgetful seasons later, Franchione was done in College Station with a 32-28 record … and a few extra dollars raised by selling insider info to Aggie boosters through a newsletter.

Seriously? A secrect newsletter that boosters have to pay for when you're making over $1 million per year?

TEXAS TECH: “The closet,” by Mike Leach. Foreword by Craig James

If you’re going to chose a player to lock in a closet/shed, the son (Adam James) of a famous ESPN personality probably isn’t the best option. The Red Raiders paid the price for firing Leach, though, namely a lackluster/boring 8-5 season.

Timeouts might work during a game, but not a good idea to give a player a time out during practice.

BAYLOR: “Shame,” By Dave Bliss

The scandal in Baylor’s basketball program just isn’t something to poke fun at. Not many college athletic scandals include the death of a player. The “Godfather” of scandals had everything from drugs to paying players to death to Bliss trying to cover the latter up.

Note: My apologies for the Seinfeld and Godfather links not working. Youtube is a massive pain in the ass. Blame them.

Big 12 rankings, Week 1: “The Big Lebowski” edition

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As promised, the Big 12 rankings/pop culture mashup extend to basketball season. The opening edition is brought to you by “The Big Lebowski” (Overall record, league record in parenthesis. Plus-one for a road win, minus-one for a home loss):

1. KANSAS (17-0, 2-0, +1): Yes, the Jayhawks struggled at home against Nebraska, but Kansas is still the Jesus in this league until somebody proves otherwise …

2. TEXAS A&M (16-1, 3-0, +1): After a big overtime win against Missouri in a game the Aggies probably should have lost, Texas A&M appears to be a legit contender. But, please, enough of the Mark Turgeon-played-at-Kansas references. The programs aren’t similar (1:30 mark in the clip) …

3. TEXAS (14-3, 2-0, +1): We’ll know more about the Longhorns after this week (Wednesday vs. Texas A&M, Saturday at Kansas). For now, where is the Big 12 title Texas longs for? …

4. COLORADO (14-4, 3-0, +1): Has any team looked better thus far in the conference play? A win over Missouri and at Kansas State. Still, I’m waiting for this to happen …

5. MISSOURI (15-3, 1-2, Even): Several analysts have referred to Missouri as the “most exciting team in college basketball” because the Tigers play a lot of close games. Unfortunately, the Tigers are Shomer Shabbos, because they don’t make free throws on Saturdays …

6. BAYLOR (12-4, 2-1, +1): The Bears have been underwhelming so far, notably in a blowout loss at Iowa State. Scott Drew’s sideline gymnastics continue. At what point does he do this to an official? …

7. KANSAS STATE (13-5, 1-2, -1): The Wildcats looked like last year’s team Saturday, even if it was against Texas Tech. I’m not counting the Cats out yet. And those of you who are? Well, that’s like your opinion …

8. OKLAHOMA STATE (13-4, 1-2, Even): Nice start beating K-State at home, but the last two games have looked a little like this …

9. NEBRASKA (13-4, 1-2, Even): Give the Cornhuskers credit. They’re better. They played Missouri and Kansas tough on the road. But, my God, are they boring to watch …

10. IOWA STATE (14-4, 1-2, -1): Iowa State nearly won at Nebraska and hammered Baylor. Still, expect the Cyclones to take a beating, like these cars (and note the creative TV editing of “this is what happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps) …

11. OKLAHOMA (8-9, 0-3, -2): This team is bad, really bad. “Cop Rock” bad. A lot of Big 12 teams are going to need a day off, and the Sooners will abide …

12. TEXAS TECH (8-10, 0-3, -2): Speaking of bad, wow. Just wow. Watching the Red Raiders is almost as comical as this …

GAME OF THE WEEK: Texas at Kansas, Saturday. Think Rocky IV. Balboa vs. Ivan Drago.

UPSET OF THE WEEK: Kansas State at Texas A&M, Saturday. Think Rocky II. Balboa vs. Creed.

I’D RATHER WATCH FAMILY GUY: Texas Tech at Oklahoma, Tuesday. Prediction … pain. For the viewers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJnKm6ftPu0

Big 12 basketball preview: http://tinyurl.com/2ccn3ay

Big 12 basketball preview: The good, bad and utterly ridiculous

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After a monthlong hiatus, the blog returns just in time for the Big 12 basketball season. What better way to kick it off with a preview, plus some ridiculous predictions and team theme songs.

Predictions (CliffsNotes version)

1. Kansas (29-2, 14-2)

2. Texas (24-7, 11-5)

3. Missouri (25-6, 11-5)

4. Texas A&M (23-7, 10-6)

5. Kansas State (22-9, 10-6)

6. Oklahoma State (21-9, 9-7)

7. Baylor (18-11, 8-8)

8. Iowa State (19-12, 6-10)

9. Colorado (17-14, 6-10)

10. Nebraska (17-13, 5-11)

11. Texas Tech (11-20, 3-13)

12. Oklahoma (11-19, 3-13)

All-Big 12

G Jacob Pullen, Senior, Kansas State

G Marcus Denmon, Junior, Missouri

G LaceDarius Dunn, Senior, Baylor

F Marcus Morris, Junior, Kansas

F Jordan Hamilton, Sophomore, Texas

1. KANSAS JAYHAWKS

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 29-2, 14-2. Until somebody knocks the Jayhawks off, this is the team to beat. With guard Josh Selby on the roster, Kansas is a legitimate national title contender.

TWO TO WATCH: F Marcus Morris (15.2 ppg, 6.1 rpg) and Selby (15 ppg).

IN FANTASY LAND: Realizing they have no shot at winning the Big 12, the other 11 teams cancel their seasons. The NCAA Tournament field follows suit, and KU wins another national title. The Jayhawks then play Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson (all in their primes), LeBron James and Jesus, pulling away in the second half for a 15-point win.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Selby gets lost before the first round of the NCAA Tournament and can’t find his way back to school, failing to locate the City of Kansas on a map drawn by his mother. Along with Morris, suspended for shooting the basketball manager he’s dating with a pellet gun, Selby doesn’t play during a first-round loss to Oxnard Trucking School.

Jayhawks’ theme song …

2. TEXAS LONGHORNS

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 24-7, 11-5. No Big 12 team has been more impressive in the nonconference than the Longhorns. But a brutal schedule against the South, plus a road game against Kansas, will prevent Texas from taking the top spot.

TWO TO WATCH: F Jordan Hamilton (19.6 ppg, 6.8 rpg), G Cory Joseph (11.2 ppg, 3.1 apg)

IN FANTASY LAND: The Longhorns finally live up to/exceed expectations, making a run at the national title. Fearing it has a legitimate foil, Kansas leaves for the MIAA, and Texas takes over as the conference basketball power.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Rick Barnes loses his mind, making guard Dogus Balbay (Doug Gottlieb-Lite) the focal point of the offense. The Longhorns proceed to finish 3-13 in the Big 12.

Longhorns’ theme song …

3. MISSOURI TIGERS

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 25-6, 11-5. Mike Anderson has done an amazing job in Columbia considering what he walked into. Anchored by guard Marcus Denmon, a surprise contender for Big 12 player of the year, this could end up being Anderson’s best team.

TWO TO WATCH: Denmon (17.6 ppg, 50% 3’s, 87% FTs), F Laurence Bowers (12.0 ppg, 6.1 rpg)

IN FANTASY LAND: The NCAA stops boning Tony Mitchell, declaring the five-star recruit eligible, and the Tigers make a run at the school’s first national title. Anderson signs a 20-year extension after the season, adding Norm Stewart as an assistant.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Anderson resigns midway through the conference race to coach at Arkansas and Mike Alden hires Quin Snyder to finish the season.

Tigers’ theme song …

4. TEXAS A&M AGGIES

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 23-7, 10-6. Mark Turgeon doesn’t get enough credit for what he’s done in College Station. Forward Khris Middleton leads a strong frontline that makes the Aggies contenders.

TWO TO WATCH: Middleton (15.4 ppg, 4.8 rpg), F David Loubeau (11.5 ppg, 5.2 rpg)

IN FANTASY LAND: As a favor to a former Jayhawk, Bill Self loans Selby to the Aggies for half the conference season, helping Texas A&M tie KU for the conference title.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Self leaves to coach the Los Angeles Lakers, and Turgeon takes over at his alma mater. The Aggies rehire Billy Gillispie, whose staff includes Melvin Watkins, he of the 0-16 Big 12 campaign, and Tony Barone.

Aggies’ theme song …

5. KANSAS STATE WILDCATS

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 22-9, 10-6. Not comfortable with this pick. The Wildcats have some issues, but they’re still extremely talented. Ultimately, however, they’re asking too much of Jacob Pullen.

TWO TO WATCH: PG Pullen (17.2 ppg, 3.9 apg, 3.7 rpg), F Curtis Kelly (10.2 ppg, 4.0 rpg)

IN FANTASY LAND: The NCAA grants Denis Clemente another year of eligibility, the Wildcats sweep Kansas and advance to the Final Four. In the offseason, Frank Martin signs a contract with HBO to play Tony’s long-lost brother Vito in “The Return of the Sopranos.”

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Martin finally explodes, going Hulk Hogan on his starting five, drawing a 20-game suspension and injuring half his roster. The Wildcats finish the season losing to Butler in the CBI.

Wildcats’ theme song …

6. OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 21-9, 9-7. This team’s still a bit of a mystery and doesn’t own a signature win. The Cowboys lost by 21 at Gonzaga and by five at Virginia Tech. Still, Travis Ford is a rising star in the coaching biz.

TWO TO WATCH: F Marshall Moses (17.1 ppg, 8.1 rpg), G Keiton Page (13.9 ppg)

IN FANTASY LAND: The NCAA allows Bryant Reeves to return for another season, giving the Cowboys a needed boost inside. The 37-year-old Reeves rediscovers his youth, leading OSU to another Final Four.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Struggling due to a lack of depth, the 5-foot-1 Ford (OK, he’s 5-10), puts himself on the roster and also adds Skee-Lo, who still wishes he was a little bit taller. The Cowboys start four borderline midgets and are outrebounded by an average of 50 while finishing under .500.

Cowboys’ theme song …

7. BAYLOR BEARS

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 18-11, 8-8. Wildly talented, but there’s something missing. Scott Drew did a great job bringing Baylor back, but can he take the Bears to the next level? Just don’t see it. Baylor has no notable wins and losses in its only games against good competition (Florida State, Gonzaga and Washington State).

TWO TO WATCH: G LaceDarius Dunn (23.4 ppg, 42% 3’s), F-C Perry Jones (11.8 ppg, 7.5 rpg)

IN FANTASY LAND: Dunn sets an NCAA record for 3-pointers in a season with 400 (never mind that it takes him 1,200 attempts), Drew relaxes and doesn’t act like a professional wrestling manager on the sideline, and Baylor lives up to its potential while winning the Big 12.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Drew tears an ACL while jumping around on the bench and coaches the rest of the season from a Little Rascal, Dunn inadvertently punches somebody on the court and is suspended, and Baylor fails to make the NIT.

Bears’ theme song …

8. IOWA STATE CYCLONES

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION:  19-12, 6-10. Iowa State welcomed back Fred Hoiberg with open arms (see video below), and he’s rewarded them with a strong start, though the only notable win is against Virginia. Still, expect ISU to be a tougher out this season.

TWO TO WATCH: G Diante Garrett (17 ppg, 6 apg), G Scott Christopherson (15.1 ppg, 52% 3’s)

IN FANTASY LAND: The Cyclones channel Marcus Fizer, Jamaal Tinsley and Julius Michalik, finishing above .500 in the Big 12 while advancing to the NCAA Tournament, where they beat Larry “Natty Lite” Eustachy and Southern Mississippi in the first round.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Hoiberg resigns to coach at Iowa, the Cyclones bring back Greg McDermott, half the roster immediately transfers and ISU finishes 0-16.

Cyclones’ theme song …

9. COLORADO BUFFALOES

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 17-14, 6-10. Some expected the Buffaloes to take a big step forward in their last season in the Big 12, but they already have four losses and no signature wins. A good start would be winning their opener Saturday against Missouri.

TWO TO WATCH: G Alec Burks (19.1 ppg), G Cory Higgins (16.6 ppg)

IN FANTASY LAND: Told by school officials he’s related to Cam Newton, the NCAA allows Chauncey Billups to return for his senior season. Billups joins Burks and Higgins to form the nation’s best backcourt as Colorado dominates the Big 12.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Colorado announces that Dan Hawkins will serve as co-head coach the remainder of the season. Thinking he’s coaching intramurals, where there are no fouls, Hawkins neglects to substitute and Burks and Higgins foul out in the first half of every league game.

Buffaloes’ theme song (you picked a fine time to leave us, Colorado)…

10. NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 17-13, 5-11. Some might be excited by the Cornhuskers’ 12-2 start, but Nebraska’s schedule looks like Bill Snyder put it together. Doc Sadler’s a decent coach, but Nebraska and basketball just don’t mesh.

TWO TO WATCH: C Jorge Brian Diaz (10.9 ppg, 62% FG), G Lance Jeter (10.1 ppg, 3.9 apg)

IN FANTASY LAND: With a year of eligibility left, Ndamukong Suh returns to play basketball, dominating in the paint. Led by Suh’s 10 points, 15 rebounds and 19 personal fouls (four called) per game, the Cornhuskers earn a bid to the Big Dance.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Sadler hires Bo Pelini as an assistant. Pelini becomes the first coach to punch all three officials in a game, plus seven of his own players, leaving the turmoil-plagued Cornhuskers in ruins. NU fans still make excuses for their overrated, volatile, bully football coach.

Cornhuskers’ theme song …

11. TEXAS TECH RED RAIDERS

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 11-20, 3-13. I admire Pat Knight for saying he should be fired if Tech has another mediocre season. Call it foreshadowing. This team isn’t good. Tech already has seven losses and its best win is against … Oral Roberts.

TWO TO WATCH: F Mike Singletary (13.8 ppg, 5.9 rpg), G Brad Reese (13.3 ppg, 50% 3’s)

IN FANTASY LAND: Mike Leach takes over, locks both Knights in a closet and leads the Red Raiders to the NIT.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Broadcasting a game coached by his son, Bobby Knight chokes Pat for playing a 2-3 zone, throws a chair (with Dick Vitale still in it) onto the court, and Craig James is hired as the Red Raiders director of basketball operations.

Red Raiders’ theme song (watching this team any time is punishing) …

12. OKLAHOMA SOONERS

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS PREDICTION: 11-19, 3-13. Prediction? Pain. And lots of it. Talk about rapid falls from grace. Just two years ago the Sooners were in the Elite Eight. Now they’ll be lucky to hit double digits in wins.

TWO TO WATCH: F Andrew Fitzgerald (13.6 ppg, 5.4 rpg), G Cade Davis (13.1 ppg, 41% 3’s)

IN FANTASY LAND: The Thunder loans Kevin Durant to OU, the Sooners win the Big 12 and Barry Switzer is hired as AD.

RIDICULOUS WORST-CASE SCENARIO: Jeff Capel changes cell phone plans, unwittingly picking the “Kelvin Sampson” deluxe deal. The NCAA hands OU the death penalty, demanding that every phone in Norman be destroyed.

Sooners’ theme song …