Big 12 rankings, Week 8: The “Seinfeld” edition

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Ernie III and Ernie Jr. on Faurot Field after the upset.

Oh, the irony. The last several years all we’ve heard about is the South dominating the North. On Saturday, the North scored big. Missouri  pushed Oklahoma around in the fourth quarter for a 36-27 win, Nebraska torched Oklahoma State’s Play Station “junior varsity” setting defense in a 51-41 shootout and Iowa State somehow whipped powerful Texas.

What did we learn last week in the Big 12? The North isn’t half bad. And Baylor, yes Baylor, is leading the Big 12 South.

Because Missouri beat Oklahoma, this week’s rankings are brought to you by my favorite TV show, “Seinfeld”:

1. MISSOURI (7-0, 3-0): Last week, defeated Oklahoma 36-27. This week, at Nebraska. It wasn’t just that the Tigers beat the Sooners, it was that they were more physical and dominated the fourth quarter. Just like Jerry rolled in this race …

2. OKLAHOMA (6-1, 2-1): Last week, lost to Missouri 36-27. This week, vs. Colorado. It’s just weird seeing the Sooners pushed around in the fourth quarter of a big game. And Big 12 fans watching this game were thinking, “That’s a shame” …

3. NEBRASKA (6-1, 2-1): Last week, defeated Oklahoma State 51-41. This week, vs. Missouri. I don’t care how much Oklahoma State’s defense sucks (and it does), that was an impressive offensive display. It was the complete opposite of everything the Cornhuskers did against Texas …

4. BAYLOR (6-2, 3-1): Last week, defeated Kansas State 47-42. This week, at Texas. Well, well, well, look who’s leading the South? Want to prove that’s legit, win at Texas this week (which appears to be fairly easy this year when the game’s in Austin). Baylor leading the division, it’s the Bizarro South …

5. OKLAHOMA STATE (6-1, 2-1): Last week, lost to Nebraska 51-41. This week, at Kansas State. Nice defense the Cowboys have fashioned this season. Fifty-one points to Nebraska at home? Oh, here’s Mike Gundy in 20 years …

6. KANSAS STATE (5-3, 2-2): Last week, lost to Baylor 47-42. This week, vs. Oklahoma State. Wow, 700 yards against Baylor? Oklahoma State might rack up 1,000 yards and 60 points this week. Then again, the Cowboys might give up 1,100 yards and 63 points. Bill Snyder? He’s a Mandelbaum …

7. IOWA STATE (4-4, 2-2): Last week, defeated Texas 28-21. This week, vs. Kansas. With the Jayhawks up next and Colorado in a few weeks, the Cyclones have a decent shot at going bowling. As for those games against Missouri and Nebraska, likely to end like the “Frogger” episode …

8. TEXAS (4-3, 2-2): Last week, lost to Iowa State 28-21. This week, vs. Baylor. How do you win at Nebraska one week, then lose to Iowa State at home the next? As for Longhorn fans, they want to do Mack Brown a favor upside his head …

9. TEXAS A&M (4-3, 1-2): Last week, defeated Kansas 45-10. This week, vs. Texas Tech. Remember when Jerrod Johnson was the favorite to earn All-Big 12 first-team honors at quarterback? Me either. As for Aggie fans, they’re gettin’ upset! …

10. TEXAS TECH (4-3, 2-3): Last week, defeated Colorado 27-24. This week, at Texas A&M. The running joke in this space is that I miss Mike Leach. I also miss David Puddy …

11. COLORADO (3-4, 0-3): Last week, lost to Texas Tech 27-24. This week, at Oklahoma. The Buffaloes have wasted a shot at going to a bowl by losing back-to-back close home games to Texas Tech and Baylor. Up next? An angry Oklahoma team. Yikes. As for Dan Hawkins, he’s the Newman of Big 12 coaches …

12. KANSAS (2-5, 0-3): Last week, lost to Texas A&M 45-10. This week, at Iowa State. The Jayhawks continue to solidify their spot as the worse team in conference history. It’s like watching Elaine dance …

Looking for previous Big 12 rankings? …

Week 1, “Tommy Boy” edition: http://tinyurl.com/29anpkt

Week 2, “Dumb and Dumber” edition: http://tinyurl.com/2aamn56 

Week 3, “Napoleon Dynamite” edition: http://tinyurl.com/23rrux5 

Week 4, “Ace Ventura” edition: http://tinyurl.com/24gqo3m

Week 5, “Happy Gilmore” edition: http://tinyurl.com/2c6dy69

Week 6, “Swingers” edition: http://tinyurl.com/2epmfn4

Week 7, Rap videos edition: http://tinyurl.com/2dnfezk

Week 7 Big 12 rankings: The rap video version

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We’re a quarter of the way through the conference season, and only three teams (Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Missouri) are unbeaten in conference. Each of those teams is 6-0 midway through the schedule.

So what did we learn in Week 7? Follow the rapper, yo. This week’s rankings are brought to you by rap videos, fo schizzle.

1. OKLAHOMA (6-0, 2-0): Last week, defeated Iowa State 52-0. Next week, at Missouri. Ho hum, like Warren G and Nate Dogg, Bob Stoops and the Sooners continue to regulate …

2. MISSOURI (6-0, 2-0): Last week, defeated Texas A&M 30-9.  Next week, vs. Oklahoma. So far, it’s been nuthin’ but a G Thang, as in Blaine Gabbert and great defense. Win next week and the Tigers can start dreaming big.

3. OKLAHOMA STATE (6-0, 2-0): Last week, defeated Texas Tech 34-17. Next week, vs. Nebraska. Suddenly, the Cowboys look legit with the Cornhuskers coming to town. Somebody inform Mike Gundy his lettuce looks like this guy’s …

4. TEXAS (4-2, 2-1): Last week, defeated Nebraska 20-13. Next week, vs. Iowa State. Pretty much everybody outside of Texas fans hates the Longhorns, let’s be honest. But for one week, we all loved them for going Suge Knight on Nebraska. The Horns treated the Huskers like Suge treated this guy in the early 1990s (legend has it his thugs dangled him off a balcony until he agreed to sign over the rights to his only hit) …

Note: I apologize for not being able to post the original “Ice Ice Baby” video. Send all complaints to the embed assclowns at YouTube.

5. NEBRASKA (5-1, 1-1): Last week, lost to Texas 20-13. Next week, at Oklahoma State. Stay with me here: “And all the Huskers in the top 10, allow Texas to bump thee; Pelini’s steppin small, ya’ll; and just like Humpty Dumpty, the the Black Shirts are gonna fall when a real offense tests thee.” Hey, Bo Pelini does resemble Digital Underground’s Shock G …

6. KANSAS STATE (5-1, 2-1): Last week, defeated Kansas 59-7. Next week, at Baylor. It was just like old times for the Wildcats, who knee-capped (props to Jeff Patterson for that verb) their arch rival. I can’t resist being the first person to compare Bill Snyder to Jay-Z. The comparison? Snyder is god (to K-Staters) and Jay-Z is H to the izzo, V to the izzay (HOVA) …

7. BAYLOR (5-2, 2-1): Last week, defeated Colorado 31-25. Next week, at Kansas State. The Bears are one win from bowl eligibility. The last time Baylor went to a bowl game (1994), this was the big rhyme …

8. TEXAS A&M (3-3, 0-2): Last week, lost to Missouri 30-9. Next week, at Kansas: The bad news for the Aggies: They aren’t very good. The good news for the Aggies: They play Kansas next. Prediction? Pain. For the Jayhawks …

9. TEXAS TECH (3-3, 1-3): Last week, lost to Oklahoma State 34-17. Next week, at Colorado. Yeah, I realize the Red Raiders beat Baylor (barely, and at home), but they’re also 1-2 in Lubbock with a pair of double-digit losses. So far, going from Leach to Tuberville has been wiggity wiggity wack, like going from 50 cent to these guys …

10. IOWA STATE (3-4, 1-2): Last week, lost to Oklahoma 52-0. Next week, at Texas. Relief (a game against Kansas Oct. 30) is close, Cyclones. What does this this clip have to do with Iowa State football? Nothing. I just think it’s great Joe Pesci cut a rap video …

11. COLORADO (3-3, 0-2): Last week, lost to Baylor 31-25. Next week, vs. Texas Tech. I’m starting to feel sorry for Dan Hawkins. I’ll say this for him, he’s kinda like the Busta Rhymes of Big 12 coaches, just a little crazy …

12. KANSAS (2-4, 0-2): Last week, lost to Kansas State 59-7. Next week, vs. Texas A&M. Worst. Big 12 team. Ever. Technically, this crap below is considered rap. And, frankly, I know a lot of Kansas fans like this who wear Abercrombie and Fitch …

Looking for previous Big 12 rankings? …

Week 1, “Tommy Boy” edition: http://tinyurl.com/29anpkt

Week 2, “Dumb and Dumber” edition: http://tinyurl.com/2aamn56 

Week 3, “Napoleon Dynamite” edition: http://tinyurl.com/23rrux5

Week 4, “Ace Ventura” edition: http://tinyurl.com/24gqo3m

Week 5, “Happy Gilmore” edition: http://tinyurl.com/2c6dy69

Week 6, “Swingers” edition: http://tinyurl.com/2epmfn4

Big 12 rankings, week 6: The “Swingers” edition

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As I sit here and type, I’m watching the Chiefs-Colts game and wondering if Todd Haley is drunk. An onside kick on the road against Indianapolis on the opening kickoff? Going for it on fourth-and-2 down 3-0 in the first quarter … and HAVING MATT CASSEL THROW on that play when you’ve got two great running backs? What’s next? Maybe  a double reverse with Brian Waters and Glenn Dorsey?

Anywho, on to the task at hand. The Week 6 Big 12 rankings are brought to you by “Swingers,” the great 1990s movie that launched the careers of Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau and Heather Graham, among others.

Here are the previous five rankings:

Week 1, “Tommy Boy” edition: http://tinyurl.com/29anpkt

Week 2, “Dumb and Dumber” edition: http://tinyurl.com/2aamn56 

Week 3, “Napoleon Dynamite” edition: http://tinyurl.com/23rrux5

Week 4, “Ace Ventura” edition: http://tinyurl.com/24gqo3m

Week 5, “Happy Gilmore” edition: http://tinyurl.com/2c6dy69

1. OKLAHOMA (5-0, 1-0): Last week, bye week. The Sooners had a bye last week and pretty much have one this week against Iowa State. Oklahoma’s going to make the Cyclones’ heads bleed. …

2. NEBRASKA (5-0, 1-0): Last week, hammered Kansas State 48-13. The Cornhuskers might be the best team in the conference, but I maintain that K-State has been wildly overvalued. Nonetheless, Nebraska looks like a big bear with claws and fangs. …

3. MISSOURI (5-0, 1-0): Last week, shut out Colorado 26-0. The end of the dominant spread offense may be nearing. The Tigers’ offense just hasn’t been what it was. Then again, there’s no Jeremy Maclin, Danario Alexander, Chase Coffman or Martin Rucker on the roster. MU’s defense has been very good and gets a big test at Texas A&M this week. Anyway, Gary Pinkel strikes me as a scotch guy …

4. OKLAHOMA STATE (5-0, 1-0): Last week, beat Louisiana-Lafayette 54-28. Dana Holgorsen has done a nice job retooling the Cowboys’ offense. Now, can he coach the defense? OSU has a big test this week at Texas Tech. As for a tie-in with “Swingers,” I can see Mike Gundy acting like Vince Vaughn in this scene …

5. TEXAS (3-2, 1-1): Last week, bye week. How is it Nebraska gets these guys when they’ve got their worst team in years? Especially when they’ll be gone to the Big Ten (plus two) by next season. Texas fans are flying coach this season …

6. TEXAS A&M (3-2, 0-1): Last week, lost to Arkansas 24-17. The Aggies are a few plays away from being 5-0 after a three-point loss to Oklahoma State and last week’s loss to the Razorbacks. They’re back home Saturday for a game they have to win against Missouri. The end of the Aggies’ last two games has been like this for their fans …

7. TEXAS TECH (3-2, 1-2): Last week, beat Baylor 45-38. The Red Raiders looked like the Red Raiders of old offensively. Well, and defensively. Then again, it might have been the opponent. As for this clip, well, they are the “Red” Raiders …

8. KANSAS STATE (4-1, 1-1): Last week, lost to Nebraska 48-13. I won’t say I told you so. The hell with that, I told you so, Wildcats. Last Thursday, EMAW meant “Every Man Ass-Whupped.” K-State fans should feel a little like Mikey in this scene …

9. BAYLOR (4-2, 1-1): Last week, lost to Texas Tech 45-38. One step forward, one step back. Saturday was a great opportunity for the Bears, and they blew it. Baylor needs a pick-me-up, so here you go Bears …

10. COLORADO (3-2, 0-1): Last week, lost to Missouri 26-0. Dan Hawkins’ legacy at Colorado is going to include being owned by Gary Pinkel, who’s beat him five straight times in games that haven’t been remotely close. I picture Hawkins doing this in his younger years …

11. IOWA STATE (3-3, 1-1): Last week, lost to Utah 68-27. Utah’s actually pretty good, but 68 points to the Utes? At home? Not a good sign for the Cyclones, who play at Oklahoma this week and at Texas the week after. And there’s the rub …

12. KANSAS (2-3, 0-1): Last week, bye week. On the positive side, the Jayhawks didn’t lose last week. This week, it’s the Sunflower Showdown. Try to say that without laughing. As for all those angry Jayhawk fans, “eat, eat you jackals” …

Big 12 rankings, Week 5: The “Happy Gilmore” edition

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We’re five weeks into the season. And what have we learned? Oklahoma and Nebraska are probably the best teams in the league, Kansas is bad, really bad, and Colorado fans are desperate for success. Oh, that and the eight or nine people who read this blog enjoy the ongoing theme of rankings with movies.

With that in mind, this week’s rankings are brought to you by “Happy Gilmore.”

The first four rankings are located here:

Week 1, “Tommy Boy” edition: http://tinyurl.com/29anpkt

Week 2, “Dumb and Dumber” edition: http://tinyurl.com/2aamn56 

Week 3, “Napoleon Dynamite” edition: http://tinyurl.com/23rrux5

Week 4, “Ace Ventura” edition: http://tinyurl.com/24gqo3m

1. Oklahoma (5-0, 1-0): Beat Texas 28-20. There are times when the Sooners look great, and times when they don’t. It’s not that Oklahoma doesn’t want to be consistent …

2. Nebraska (4-0, 0-0): The Cornhuskers’ demolition of Washington looks better after the Huskies upset USC on Saturday. Up next: A showdown Thursday in Manhattan. But NU fans are getting a little cocky and annoying now that they’re “back.” Kind of like this …

3. Missouri (4-0, 0-0): Do I think Missouri will end up the third best team in the Big 12? Probably not. Being a Tiger fan can be frustrating, especially the coaching. With that much talent, the ball should go home (in this case the end zone) …

4. Oklahoma State (4-0, 1-0): Thursday was one of those rare times I missed newspapers. When Dan Bailey hit a 40-yarder to beat Texas A&M, I immediately thought of this headline: “Dan’s the Man: Good from 40!” Ah, that Mike Gundy rant never gets old …

5. Kansas State (4-0, 1-0): Here’s your chance, Wildcats. Really want to prove you’re back. Take out Nebraska on Thursday. I suspect, however, that Nebraska likely will do this to K-State …

6. Texas (3-2, 1-1): OK, so Texas lost some great players from last year’s team that nearly won a national title. But you know what, this is Texas, school of the top-three recruiting class every year. They should be better than this. So far for the Longhorns, the price is wrong …

7. Texas A&M (3-1, 0-1): The Aggies blew a great opportunity to win on the road and build momentum for Big 12 play at Oklahoma State. A&M didn’t go to its happy place …

8. Baylor (4-1, 1-0): Either the Bears are vastly improved, or Kansas flat-out sucks. Had they not eased off the gas pedal, Baylor might have scored 70 and finished with 800 yards. And what do the Bears eat for breakfast?

9. Iowa State (3-2, 1-1): Some dumbass told you last week that the Cyclones weren’t going to win for a month, then they went out and hammered Texas Tech. I’m in Iowa State’s world now …

10. Colorado (3-1, 0-0): It’s OK to be excited, Buff fans, but storming the field after you beat a bad 1-3 Georgia team at home? It’s not like you whipped the Gators …

11. Texas Tech (2-2, 0-2): Isn’t Tommy Tuberville known for coaching defense? …

12. Kansas (2-3, 0-1): No cussing, no cell phones. This week’s punishment? Jayhawk players will have their car keys taken away. And what’s Turner Gill thinking? …