Big 12 rankings, week one: The “Tommy Boy” edition

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Seventy-three days between blogs. That’s how I roll. At least now we’ve got something to talk about … college football. I’ll try to update this weekly. That’s the promise I’m making to the three people who read this blog.

Week One rankings, “Tommy Boy” edition:

1. Texas (1-0): The Longhorns struggled a bit without Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley, who finally left Austin. And just a shade under a decade, too, all right …

They\’re called doctors

2. Oklahoma (1-0): Maybe, just maybe, those national title talks were a little too premature. Utah State? Seriously? But, it’s early, the Sooners are gonna show this world a thing or two (:20 mark) …

3. Nebraska (1-0): Life without Suh opened with a tough matchup against some team in Kentucky, I think McKeesport.  It’s got to be there. Okay, where’s Moron? Okay, Moron’s here …

McKeesport

4. Missouri (1-0): Sometimes I wonder if there’s more to Dave Yost’s resemblance to Harry from Dumb and Dumber, like perhaps they’re related. The first half made a lot of Missouri fans want to jerk the wheel into a bridge abutment …

5. Texas A&M (1-0): Stephen F. Austin? Where is that? Next to the specs on the end line on the rotary girder ….

Rotary girder

6. Kansas State (1-0): Nice opening win over a middle-of-the-pack UCLA team that’d be better off if a spider monkey was the coach. As for how K-State fans (EMAW … Every Man A jackWagon?) are acting after Week 1 …

7. Oklahoma State (1-0): Playing Washington State is kind of like a guaranteed win against a guaranteed piece of shit. And if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I got spare time …

Guarantee

8. Texas Tech (1-0): I miss Mike Leach. Tommy Tuberville is kind of like the Al Gore of coaching, without the invention of the Internet. Watching Leach’s offense was like being Jo Jo the Idiot Circus Boy with a pretty new pet …

9. Iowa State (1-0): Actually, not a bad win against a well-coached Jerry Kill team from Northern Illinois. But with the Cyclones’ schedule this season, they better pray to god the wind doesn’t pick up …

Skinny punks

10. Baylor (1-0): I know what you’re thinking. Where’s he going to find a connection to “Tommy Boy” at Baylor? Well, Robert Griffin’s return makes for a happy fat guy in a little coat …

11. Colorado (1-0): I’ll miss Dan Hawkins when he gets fired at the end of the season. The man is Gary Busey in a headset. He’s a big, dumb animal, isn’t he folks? …

Big dumb animal

12.Kansas (0-1): This just might be the worst loss in Big 12 history. North Dakota State is a Division I-AA school that went 3-8 last season, including a loss to Terry Allen’s Missouri State team. By the end of the season, Turner Gill might be thinking, in comes the meat wagon, weeee-ooooo, weeee-ooooo, weeee-ooooo …

weeee-oooo

Randomly …

Best win: K-State over UCLA. Mostly because nobody else played anybody worth a damn.

Worst loss: North Dakota State over Kansas. Somewhere Mark “Evil Mario” Mangino is laughing hysterically.

Best announcer: Bob Davis. Listening to this man during a Kansas loss is a treat. I like announcers who root for their teams, even if it borders on ridiculous at times.

Best game this week: Florida State at Oklahoma. Pretty sure there’s an NCAA by-law that the Seminoles must be ranked in the preseason.

Worst game: Georgia Tech at Kansas. Might be bad enough to make Gill cuss.

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2 thoughts on “Big 12 rankings, week one: The “Tommy Boy” edition

  1. Shana

    Very funny, as always!!! And as a K-State fan I’m cool being compared to a naked guy asking for a hug – no shame in winning…

    • Ernie Webb III

      I’m just joking around with Kansas State fans. Missouri fans took LOTS of abuse for basically two decades in football, so I get how great winning feels after a dry spell. The only disappointing thing about the blog was the surprising lack of clips for the movie, especially on youtube.

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