Week Four Big 12 rankings, the “Ace Ventura” edition

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Texas got smoked by UCLA, Oklahoma survived Cincinnati, K-State survived a close call against Central Florida, Nebraska looked lackluster. Not a banner week for the Big 12 as it heads into conference play. Week One was “Tommy Boy” edition http://tinyurl.com/29anpkt, Week Two “Dumb and Dumber” http://tinyurl.com/2aamn56 and Week Three “Napoleon Dynamite” http://tinyurl.com/23rrux5.

Week Four brings another classic: “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.”

1. Oklahoma (4-0, 0-0): Beat Cincinnati 31-29. Other than the domination of Florida State, the Sooners look pretty ordinary. Still, it appears Landry Jones will be just fine at quarterback. In fact, one could say he fits …

2. Nebraska (4-0): Beat South Dakota State 17-3. OK, maybe Bo Pelini’s fixed the defense, though it’s difficult to tell against an NAIA nonconference schedule. Pelini’s got a bit of an anger problem. I envision him answering the door like this …

3. Texas (3-1, 1-0): Lost to UCLA 34-12. What the hell was that Longhorns? I’d say the equivalent of realizing the woman you kiss is a man …

4. Missouri (4-0): Beat Miami of Ohio 51-13. Not much to say here other than this one was over well before halftime …

5. Kansas State (4-0, 1-0): Beat Central Florida 17-13. Poor George O’Leary. He could’ve used a resume-booster like winning on the road against a BCS school. As for K-State and EMAW saying the Wildcats are back …

Alrighty then

6. Texas A&M (3-0): Bye week. We’ll know a lot more about the Aggies Thursday when they travel to Oklahoma State. This clip has nothing to do with anything, but it’s still funny …

7. Oklahoma State (3-0): Bye week. Mike Gundy. He goes on rants about being a man and 40, he thinks technology is the problem with America (even though he uses advanced technology to build scouting reports). Who is this guy? …

8. Texas Tech (2-1, 0-1): Bye week. That loss at home to Texas suddenly looks bad. The Red Raiders play Iowa State next, and what do I think about that game? (2:15 mark) …

9. Baylor (2-1): Beat Rice 30-13. What was the motive behind the Bears’ win over the in-state Owls? …

10. Colorado (2-1): Bye week. Doesn’t get any easier for the Buffs next week with a game against a wounded Georgia team. An early prediction on that game, Colorado will be the …

Loser

11. Kansas (2-2): Beat New Mexico State 42-16. A lot of people expected the Jayhawks to be 2-2, but nobody expected them to lose to North Dakota State and beat Georgia Tech. And how did that loss to the Bison feel? …

12. Iowa State (2-2, 0-1): Beat Northern Iowa 27-0. Enjoy the win, Cyclones. You’re about to go on a four-game losing streak. The second Ace Ventura movie wasn’t very good, but it had its moments …

Big 12 rankings Week Three: The “Napoleon Dynamite” edition

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Week One, the “Tommy Boy” version http://tinyurl.com/29anpkt. Week Two, the “Dumb and Dumber” edition http://tinyurl.com/2aamn56. What to do for Week Three? Well, since it was on Saturday during the Kansas State game, it’s gotta be the “Napoleon Dynamite” cut of the Big 12 rankings, gosh:

1. Texas (3-0, 1-0): Beat Texas Tech 24-14. The big-spending Longhorns keep on rollin’. Yes, money grows on trees in Austin …

Uncle Rico: Money doesn\’t grow on trees

2.Oklahoma (3-0): Beat Air Force 27-24. Do the Sooners ever play outside of Norman? Gosh. Hard to figure this team out with a rout of Florida State sandwiched between escapes against Utah State and Air Force. But Napoleon digs the Sooners, cause his old girlfriend is from Oklahoma, and she’s got nice bangs …

I like her bangs

3, Nebraska (3-0): Beat Washington 56-21. Don’t get me wrong, the Cornhuskers are good, but Washington’s Jake Locker is one of the most overrated players in college football in years. Dude doesn’t have this kind of accuracy …

4. Missouri (3-0): Beat San Diego State 27-24. Consider this the best of the rest ranking. Outside the top three, it’s a muddled mess. The Tigers need to hire Uncle Rico as their offensive coordinator because he can throw a ball over them mountains …

Over them mountains

5. Kansas State (3-0, 1-0): Beat Iowa State 27-20. Farmegeddon? Do the schools actually embrace this stupid name for the matchup at Arrowhead? Whoever came up with that name oughta be thrown out the window …

Throw out the window

6. Texas A&M (3-0): Beat Florida International 27-20. Something about needing 21 points in the fourth quarter to beat freaking Florida International. It’s just not good. Remember when the Aggies were good, like in ’82? …

Back in \’82

7. Oklahoma State (3-0): Beat Tulsa 65-28. Why does Tulsa keep playing this game. It’s like Rex whooping Kip …

8. Texas Tech (2-1, 0-1): Lost to Texas 24-14. The Red Raiders won’t be ranked this low for long. It’s just that they’re not interesting … and we want them to leave now with that boring offense because they’re ruining everybody’s lives …

Get off my property

9. Baylor (2-1): Lost to TCU 45-10. TCU is very good, but come on Bears! 45-10? If we could go back in time, maybe Baylor would take state …

I\’d take state

10. Colorado (2-1): Beat Hawaii 31-13. I really hope Dan Hawkins keeps his job. He’s the Rex of college football coaches …

Rex Kwon Do

11. Kansas (1-2): Lost to Southern Mississippi 31-16. Still trying to figure out how this team beat Georgia Tech. Maybe Turner Gill’s good with a bow staff …

Good with a bow staff

12. Iowa State (1-2, 0-1): Lost to K-State 27-20. The Cyclones play Northern Iowa next, then get Texas Tech, Utah, Oklahoma and Texas. Translation: 2-6 start. No metaphors or catchy lead-ins here, other than it’d be irresponsible to write a blog on Napoleon Dynamite without the dance scene …

Big 12 rankings, Week 2: The “Dumb and Dumber” edition

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Last week it was “Tommy Boy.” This week, another great 90s flick: “Dumb and Dumber.” A special thanks to the imbed Nazis at youtube who make writing a blog including your videos TWICE AS TIME-CONSUMING … 

1. Oklahoma (2-0): Sure, Florida State, as usual, is overrated and plays in a conference that might as well drop to the Football Championship Subdivision (for the love of God, go back to calling it Division I-AA, please). But the Sooners looked pretty damn good. And those national title hopes I made fun of last week? Well, now I’m tellin’ ya there’s a chance … 

2. Texas (2-0): The Longhorns actually trailed Wyoming late in the first half before scoring the final 28 points. Other than learning Texas has a running back named Foswhitt Whitaker, nothing intriguing in this game. But Foswhitt Whitaker, that might be one of the most annoying sounding names in the world … 

3. Nebraska (2-0): Hey, Nebraska’s back, baby! If wins against might Western Kentucky and Idaho don’t prove that, nothing will. A lot of Husker fans remind me of Seabass … 

4. Missouri (2-0): Dominant performance, but it came against an FCS school. Offensive coordinator Dave Yost, who happens to rock the Harry fro, couldn’t go wrong this week. Now, other weeks … 

Left, Missouri offensive coordinator Dave Yost. Right, Jeff Daniels as Harry in "Dumb and Dumber"

5. Texas A&M (2-0): Quarterback Jerrod Johnson had another monster game with 399 total yards, including 349 passing and four touchdowns. He ripped the heart out of poor Louisiana Tech … 

6. Kansas State (2-0): The Wildcats handled mighty Missouri State. K-State is back. Just ask Wildcat fans, who are starting to sound a little like this … 

7. Texas Tech (2-0): What’s this 36-carry crap for the Red Raiders? The transformation post-Mike Leach is under way. By this time next year, Tech will be running the ball 80 times a game under Tommy Tuberville, who’s peeing in our Cheerios. 

8. Oklahoma State (2-0): Well, they aren’t 40, but the Cowboys manned up and avoided the upset with a win over pesky Troy. Troy put up quite a fight, just like this … 

9. Baylor (2-0): Quarterback Robert Griffin continues to impress. It’d be nice to see the Bears make a bowl, which they haven’t done since … 

10. Kansas (1-1): Have to admit, that was impressive and surprising on Saturday. Georgia Tech played like a team playing against a team that had just lost to a junior high. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any worse (2:20 mark) … 

11. Colorado (1-1): Guess those reports of the Buffaloes improving were a bit premature. Nice effort against the Cal Bears. Looks like another long fall in the Rockies … 

12. Iowa State (1-1): So much for putting up a fight against your arch rival. The Clones didn’t score until the fourth quarter. How bad was ISU? Why don’t you eat up and we’ll tell ya … 

Who Kansas should hire to replace Lew Perkins

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I’m going to miss Sweet Lew Perkins. The Kansas AD has been such an easy target of late, whether it’s ticket scandals, angling for free exercise equipment he never used, taking private jets and limos to games or attempting to bully female TV reporters, he’s chicken soup for the soul of bloggers.

Thing is, Perkins actually was pretty good at his job. Shady maybe, but he raised a ton of money at Kansas and the Jayhawks won a national title and bought, I mean won, an Orange Bowl. In reality, a lot of opposing fans hate Perkins because of his success (that and he had the personality of Statler and Waldorf).

So Kansas has an important hire to make. The school could go with a familiar face like Kevin Pritchard. I hope the university goes for the big splash. Here’s a few suggestions:

Marion “Suge” Knight, co-founder and former CEO of Death Row Records

I know damn well I wasn’t the only one on Urban Dictionary trying to decipher Tyshawn Taylor’s facebook posts. I still don’t know what the hell “point plank’n” means. Assuming it has nothing to do with pirates. Anyway, who better to translate than “Suge,” who has a proven track record of making a crapload of money. He also played college football. And if he can mend fences with Dre and Snoop, Kansas would have one hell of a halftime show.

P.S. RE: The video above: Since when is Akon, whose biggest hit is the mushy ass love song “Don’t Matter,” a thug rivaling the guy who dangled Vanilla Ice off a balcony?

Joe Pesci, former Oscar winner

It’s the only way Kansas is going to match rival Kansas State’s tough persona now that they have angry Frank Martin running the basketball program. You think that’s funny? What the f#$@ is so funny about me? Like I’m a clown? How am I funny?

Al Bohl, former Kansas athletic director

This is America, land of the second, third, fourth, up to 20th chance. Yeah, Bohl made mistakes, like running off Roy Williams by not doing whatever Roy told him to do, and the whole crushed dove press conference. Then again, he did hire Mark Mangino, whose not looking too bad right now after that embarrassing loss to North Dakota State.

You forgot to wash my car, didn't you Al?

Aloysius Snuffleupagus

Other than having Snuffleupagus in a blog with Suge Knight and Darth Vader, I don’t have a reason to hire him. He has the exact opposite personality of Perkins, plus his best friend is a bird.

Darth Vader

A lot of Kansas fans liked Perkins. He did try to intimidate the media. This would be one hell of a way to  influence journalists …

Dr. Evil and Mini Me

Kansas would only have to pay them $1 billion. Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

Randomness marks Tuesday

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A blog about something other than sports? Really? Oh, it be so ….

Move it or lose it …

I’ve grown to loathe Highway 75. That the hour commute to and from work ends in one week makes me pretty damn happy. Nothing’s worse than slow drivers. Especially on a two-lane highway. But I did think of a solution (more like a fantasy) on the way home today. What if you could Mario Kart those slow assclowns (1:15 mark below)?

The biggggggggggggggggggggggg salad …

One of the rare times I head to the cafeteria for lunch at work, after 1 p.m. to avoid traffic. Naturally, they were closing down the grill. But, what the hell, turn a negative into a positive right? Instead of wiping out that hour workout with a healthy cheeseburger, I went for the salad bar with a to-go box. Figured I’d save a few bucks and even have a little fun with it.

Cashier: “So what have you got there.”

Me: “A big salad!”

Cashier: “Not just a small salad, but a big salad. Put it on the scale. … That’ll be 8:52. That was a big salad. $7.”

Me: “I’m not treating you to lunch anymore!”

Hey the cashier got the Seinfeld reference, so I didn’t make a complete ass out of myself.

On tilt

As much as I’m looking forward to moving to Topeka for various reasons, I’ll miss staying with the old man. It’s been awesome being back home again. And I’ll definitely miss watching and listening to him play online poker. I have video/audio of the Mike Matusow-like reactions to bad beats, but I fear retaliation if I post those.

Lyrical genius

Been some interesting conversations at work lately about music, including one about the best song writers. One co-worker said they just figured I’d say Hootie and the Blowfish wrote the best music. As I pointed out, great lyrics don’t always make a great song.

The best songs with the best lyrics. I don’t think you can go wrong with these:

With or without you (u2): Sad as hell, yes. But the best songs are the ones you can identify with. Everybody identifies with this gem from 1987.

All I want is you (u2):  Has love ever been summed up better?

And as for Hootie and the Blowfish, yeah, I’d put this one in the top 10 songs, lyrically, of the 1990s …

Kids say the damnedest things …

This one from Friday after Burlingame’s game with Hartford:

Mrs. Curtis: “I see you’re raising them the wrong way (referring to the niece and nephew decked out in Missouri gear.”

Me: “Hey, they asked me if they could wear this stuff tonight.”

Draven (my nephew), yanking on my arm: “Uncle Ernie, you told me I had to wear this jersey if I went tonight.”

Me: “Busted.”

Big 12 rankings, week one: The “Tommy Boy” edition

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Seventy-three days between blogs. That’s how I roll. At least now we’ve got something to talk about … college football. I’ll try to update this weekly. That’s the promise I’m making to the three people who read this blog.

Week One rankings, “Tommy Boy” edition:

1. Texas (1-0): The Longhorns struggled a bit without Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley, who finally left Austin. And just a shade under a decade, too, all right …

They\’re called doctors

2. Oklahoma (1-0): Maybe, just maybe, those national title talks were a little too premature. Utah State? Seriously? But, it’s early, the Sooners are gonna show this world a thing or two (:20 mark) …

3. Nebraska (1-0): Life without Suh opened with a tough matchup against some team in Kentucky, I think McKeesport.  It’s got to be there. Okay, where’s Moron? Okay, Moron’s here …

McKeesport

4. Missouri (1-0): Sometimes I wonder if there’s more to Dave Yost’s resemblance to Harry from Dumb and Dumber, like perhaps they’re related. The first half made a lot of Missouri fans want to jerk the wheel into a bridge abutment …

5. Texas A&M (1-0): Stephen F. Austin? Where is that? Next to the specs on the end line on the rotary girder ….

Rotary girder

6. Kansas State (1-0): Nice opening win over a middle-of-the-pack UCLA team that’d be better off if a spider monkey was the coach. As for how K-State fans (EMAW … Every Man A jackWagon?) are acting after Week 1 …

7. Oklahoma State (1-0): Playing Washington State is kind of like a guaranteed win against a guaranteed piece of shit. And if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I got spare time …

Guarantee

8. Texas Tech (1-0): I miss Mike Leach. Tommy Tuberville is kind of like the Al Gore of coaching, without the invention of the Internet. Watching Leach’s offense was like being Jo Jo the Idiot Circus Boy with a pretty new pet …

9. Iowa State (1-0): Actually, not a bad win against a well-coached Jerry Kill team from Northern Illinois. But with the Cyclones’ schedule this season, they better pray to god the wind doesn’t pick up …

Skinny punks

10. Baylor (1-0): I know what you’re thinking. Where’s he going to find a connection to “Tommy Boy” at Baylor? Well, Robert Griffin’s return makes for a happy fat guy in a little coat …

11. Colorado (1-0): I’ll miss Dan Hawkins when he gets fired at the end of the season. The man is Gary Busey in a headset. He’s a big, dumb animal, isn’t he folks? …

Big dumb animal

12.Kansas (0-1): This just might be the worst loss in Big 12 history. North Dakota State is a Division I-AA school that went 3-8 last season, including a loss to Terry Allen’s Missouri State team. By the end of the season, Turner Gill might be thinking, in comes the meat wagon, weeee-ooooo, weeee-ooooo, weeee-ooooo …

weeee-oooo

Randomly …

Best win: K-State over UCLA. Mostly because nobody else played anybody worth a damn.

Worst loss: North Dakota State over Kansas. Somewhere Mark “Evil Mario” Mangino is laughing hysterically.

Best announcer: Bob Davis. Listening to this man during a Kansas loss is a treat. I like announcers who root for their teams, even if it borders on ridiculous at times.

Best game this week: Florida State at Oklahoma. Pretty sure there’s an NCAA by-law that the Seminoles must be ranked in the preseason.

Worst game: Georgia Tech at Kansas. Might be bad enough to make Gill cuss.