It’s not that I hate soccer (seriously, I don’t). It’s just not that interesting a sport. Yeah, the rest of the world loves futbol, but we Americans would rather listen to Celine Dion sing “Shook me all night long” than watch a nil-nil game. And, yes, she did actually butcher the legendary AC/DC song.
The biggest reason Americans don’t celebrate the World Cup as much as the rest of the world? Because we know our team has no chance of winning the tournament. None. In the 80 years the event has been held, the United States has never finished higher than third, and that was in the first World Cup in 1930.
So the logical way to make it more interesting in the States? Let us win. Or at least change the rules. Here are few ideas:
Player trades: Realistically, this isn’t going to help. The U.S. only has a player or two the elite teams would want. Argentina isn’t going to trade Lionel Messi (considered the best player in the world) for Landon Donovan (perhaps the best player in U.S. history). But what if we throw in Lady Gaga, Tom Cruise, Madonna’s Evita and a Wahl’s beard trimmer for Diego Maradona?
Allow roundhouse kicks: Soccer is a game of feet. How does this benefit Americans? Five words: Chuck Norris and Daniel Laruso. And the video of Norris roundhousing Lady Gaga is worth the time.
Change the coaching staff: A tie against Slovenia? Really? This is the best we can do? Time to bring in Will Ferrell and Mike Ditka.
Eliminate ties: What is this? T-Ball? No winners or losers (except the people watching)? The team with the highest national debt wins.
Vuvuzelas: Beat the living tar out of anybody who owns, once owned or considered owning those damn horns.
Sega rules: Against the computer with offsides off.
Outlaw penalty kicks deciding the outcome: Instead, the country’s militaries go to war.