Big 12 resurrection, the movie casting call, Part II

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Last week I blogged about a Big 12 resurrection movie and which actors would play the various roles (http://tinyurl.com/2bsfopb). Unfortunately, I didn’t bother casting for cameos and lesser roles (I figured Jesus as DeLoss Dodds and Yoda as Lew Perkins couldn’t be topped). But a lot of folks (OK, more than three) seemed to enjoy it. So here’s a list of a few more characters (present and former coaches) for this yet-to-be-released epic:

Droopy Dog as Roy Williams …

Williams coached in the Big 12 for many years. And he does resemble Droopy Dog.

Joe Pesci as Frank Martin …

No, I’m not saying Frank Martin is a mobster, like the ones Pesci often plays in gangster flicks. But I am saying he dresses like one. And his temper looks like something straight out of “The Sopranos” or “Goodfellas.”

Brendan Fraser as Bill Self …

Whether or not Fraser’s a decent actor is a debate for another blog. Bill Self, on the other hand, is a very good coach. But, come on, coach, enough with the charade. Go Kojack already. You’re not fooling anybody with that rug. Fraser minus his toupee works as the KU coach.

Robert Downey Jr. as Quin Snyder …

One big difference: Downey’s career recovered. Snyder’s hasn’t.

Jeff Daniels’ Harry in Dumb and Dumber as Missouri offensive coordinator Dave Yost …

No explanation needed.

Orange Bowl mascot as Mark Mangino …

Don’t shoot the blogger here. Don’t your PR people step in here and say, hey, maybe this isn’t a great idea?

Vince Gill/a pirate as Mike Leach …

The resemblance is uncanny, and Leach loves pirates. Plus, he got swashbuckled at Tech.

Val Kilmer’s “Ice Man” as Mike Gundy …

The lettuce matches up perfectly. And both are men, and 40.

The “Can you hear me now” guy as Kelvin Sampson …

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Gary Busey as Colorado football coach Dan Hawkins …

They’re both just a little bit (or a lot) nutty.

Sean Penn in Dead Man Walking as OU basketball coach Jeff Capel …

At last check, Capel was scouting the local YMCA to fill out the remaining 11 spots on his roster.

How can the world help Americans care about the World Cup? Let us win

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It’s not that I hate soccer (seriously, I don’t). It’s just not that interesting a sport. Yeah, the rest of the world loves futbol, but we Americans would rather listen to Celine Dion sing “Shook me all night long” than watch a nil-nil game. And, yes, she did actually butcher the legendary AC/DC song.

The biggest reason Americans don’t celebrate the World Cup as much as the rest of the world? Because we know our team has no chance of winning the tournament. None. In the 80 years the event has been held, the United States has never finished higher than third, and that was in the first World Cup in 1930.

So the logical way to make it more interesting in the States? Let us win. Or at least change the rules. Here are few ideas:

Player trades: Realistically, this isn’t going to help. The U.S. only has a player or two the elite teams would want. Argentina isn’t going to trade Lionel Messi (considered the best player in the world) for Landon Donovan (perhaps the best player in U.S. history). But what if we throw in Lady Gaga, Tom Cruise, Madonna’s Evita and a Wahl’s beard trimmer for Diego Maradona?

Allow roundhouse kicks: Soccer is a game of feet. How does this benefit Americans? Five words: Chuck Norris and Daniel Laruso. And the video of Norris roundhousing Lady Gaga is worth the time.

Change the coaching staff: A tie against Slovenia? Really? This is the best we can do? Time to bring in Will Ferrell and Mike Ditka.

Eliminate ties: What is this? T-Ball? No winners or losers (except the people watching)? The team with the highest national debt wins.

Vuvuzelas: Beat the living tar out of anybody who owns, once owned or considered owning those damn horns.

Sega rules: Against the computer with offsides off.

Outlaw penalty kicks deciding the outcome: Instead, the country’s militaries go to war.

Coming to a theater near you: “Resurrection (how the Big 12 was saved … for now)”

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Thousands of columns, stories and blogs have been written about conference expansion lately, particularly how the seemingly dead Big 12 (minus-2, or does Texas count for three?) was saved. The story had so many twists and turns, there should be a movie. So who’s going to play who in this epic? Here are a few ideas …

Jesus or Jack Nicholson’s Joker in the role of Texas AD DeLoss Dodds …

From most of what you read, this guy had a lot to do with saving the conference. The K-State grad (that’s got to hurt Wildcat fans) could have taken the Longhorns to the Pac-10 (allegedly), Big Ten (allegedly) or to the AFC South. Hey, if he’s a savior, Jesus fits. Why Jack Nicholson as the Joker? Because Dodds is laughing all the way to the bank after the Little Five (Kansas, K-State, Missouri, Iowa State and Baylor) gave Texas more money, more power and custody of the future children of student-athletes at their respective schools.

Mickey Rourke/a puppet as Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe …

Give Beebe credit for his role in helping to salvage the conference. He breathed life into his rep, sort of like Mickey Rourke did in “The Wrestler.” At the same time, he’s still seen by many as he was before: A puppet for Texas.

The Death Star as the University of Texas …

You’d think the school and state could destroy the planet. Not quite, but UT could easily change the landscape of college athletics with a snap of its fingers. It’s that powerful.

The Three Stooges as Missouri administrators/Gov. Jay Nixon …

It’d be hard to be played more than Missouri AD Mike Alden, Chancellor Brady Deaton and Gov. Jay Nixon were during this process. Nixon bad-mouthed academics in the Big 12, insulting teams MU ended up standing beside, and practically begged the Big Ten to invite the Tigers. Alden, while he wasn’t on vacation, looked clueless, saying nothing, knowing nothing, then revealing nothing when the Kansas City Star’s Mike DeArmond pressed him on details about an invitation/unvitation/flirtation with Commissioner Jim Delany and the Big Ten. Alden, the same guy who may or may not have sent basketball color man Gary Link to fire Quin Snyder, ended up looking like Mike in “Swingers” during the infamous phone call scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0PUrNwvvBk. Deaton said “we’re proud members of the Big 12” 1,548 times in a one-week period and appeared weak.

So these guys overplayed their hand (which equated to 3-8 offsuit) with the Big Ten, pissed off everybody else in the Big 12, then got pantsed by Nebraska in a press conference in which AD Tom Osborne and Chancellor Harvey Perlman blamed them and Texas for their departure, the potential fall of the Big 12, global warming and vuvuzelas at the World Cup.

Clint Eastwood as Nebraska’s Tom Osborne …

We’ll probably never know the details of Nebraska leaving for the Big Ten. Was Missouri an option before and the Huskers smartly swooped in to take the Tigers’ spot? Whatever happened, it’s never been a secret that Osborne and the Huskers weren’t thrilled with the Big 12, in particular Texas’ dominance on and off the field. In rather classless, yet telling remarks, Osborne and company placed blame for their departure on Texas and Missouri, the latter for its flirtation with the Big Ten and openness to leaving the conference.

Nebraska got what it wanted … to get away from big, bad Texas. Congratulations, Huskers. Good luck with pushovers Ohio State, Penn State, Iowa, etc., up north. And the Longhorns thank you for their cut of that $10 million penalty you’ll be paying for leaving.

Michael Douglas’ Gordon Gekko and Terence Stamp’s Larry Wildman as Pac-10 commish Larry Scott and Big Ten commish Jim Delany …

The corporate raiders from 1987’s “Wall Street” are perfect for these roles. Gekko as Scott, who nearly lured five or six Big 12 schools to his conference, which might have triggered a megaconference setup in college athletics. And Stamp as DeLany, who may have gone after Notre Dame, which also would have triggered a 16-team megaconference. Fittingly, there will be a sequel to “Wall Street” later this year. And expect a sequel to the conference expansion story in the near future, with Scott and Delany likely involved. Why, well, as Gekko said, greed is good … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7upG01-XWbY.

Yoda/Abe Vigoda as Kansas AD Lew Perkins …

Perkins doesn’t have much to do with saving the Big 12 or expansion, and he’d probably work better in a movie about raising a ton of money, ticket scandals, blackmail, talking Orange Bowl officials into screwing another team out of a deserved bid, firing an “abusive” coach or bullying female TV reporters, but he does look like a cross between the “Star Wars” jedi and “The Godfather” star.